The Secret of Bouncing Back Better Than Ever.

Most people are in the habit, not a good one, of comparing themselves with others. They might look at someone who seems more fortunate and suppose that they didn’t have comparable obstacles and misfortunes to overcome in their lives. But this isn’t what makes the difference— everyone’s life has disappointments and setbacks.

What makes the difference is the ability to bounce back from the bad things that come everyone’s way. Psychologists call this emotional resilience. It’s a deeper concept than the usual advice in the face of setbacks to get over it and move on. The “try, try again” spirit ignores the traumatic side of crises, failures, and humiliation. Instead of relying on second-hand motivation, which almost always comes from people who think they are in a good place, you have to nurture your own emotional resilience, and your ability to bounce back.

Studies of people who have lived to be one hundred and feel happy about it find that centenarians typically share an ability to rebound from the hard difficulties that baffle most people and sometimes crush their spirits.

To acquire emotional resilience, you need to know what goes into it. People display emotional resilience in the following ways:

1. They accept their emotions.
2. They don’t judge themselves.
3. They have high self-esteem.
4. They have a purpose in life.
5. They support others and in turn feel supported.

None of these are magic ingredients. They are part of a mindset that is allowing, open, accepting, and above all, aware. Number one is the most important, acknowledging your emotions. As a doctor, I was strongly affected by a study of breast cancer patients, all of whom had received the maximum in standard medical care. One group of women went to their doctors regularly and followed the best medical advice. The other group met once a week to talk about how they felt, sharing their fears and emotional state. The longest survivors all belonged to the second group.

Emotions rise and fall, come and go. When this natural cycle is allowed and accepted, you find that you are in fact resilient. You bounce back because your emotions bounce back of their own accord. This is sometimes called the emotional set point. It is your baseline of feeling good, and even though a difficulty or setback throws you off balance, it is only a matter of time before you return to your emotional set point, which is your natural balance. Even the most drastic loss and disaster isn’t enough to block this kind of resilience.

What blocks it is our emotional resistance, stuckness, denial, and judgment. We push down and resist the negative feelings we don’t want to face. If this state persists long enough, we lose contact with our true feelings and feel powerless to change them. This is what it feels like when anxiety and depression have the upper hand and seem to roam the mind at will. But there is healing in accepting your true feelings without judgment.

Right this moment sit quietly and recall a moment where your emotions did you in. These are moments of unbridled anger or feelings of shame and guilt that linger. They might focus on a humiliation you suffered or an awful failure in a relationship. Take this one instance and relive it in your mind. Please don’t choose something so catastrophic that remembering it creates deep distress. Just think of a less traumatic incident.

Now that you vividly recall that negative feeling, hold on to it for five minutes. You will find, no matter how hard you try, that this isn’t possible. Your mind will wander from the negative emotion or it will simply fade away. What you are experiencing is natural. Emotions rise, make an impression, and fade away. The mind returns to a state of calmness, waiting for the next thought, feeling, or sensation to arise.

We get stuck when we interfere with this natural process.  Through a combination of holding on, resisting, and denial, old feelings accumulate and linger beyond their natural purpose.  Then the other four ingredients of emotional resilience become damaged. We start to judge ourselves, our self-esteem falls, we no longer have a firm purpose in life, and we lose the support and sympathy of others by being so involved in our problems that we cannot give support and sympathy to anyone, including ourselves.

The key to bouncing back is to act now, not waiting until the next challenge or difficulty, which will only make you feel defeated and overwhelmed. Begin to watch our emotions as they rise and fall, whatever the emotion might be. Resist the urge to turn away or to shove the feeling out of sight. Sit with it until it naturally fades away. Then take a few deep breaths, close your eyes, and relax. Enjoy the calmness that follows every emotion, either positive or negative. This feeling of being centered, at ease, quiet, and peaceful inside is your natural state of balance.

DEEPAK CHOPRA MD, FACP, FRCP, is a Consciousness Explorer and a world-renowned pioneer in integrative medicine and personal transformation. Chopra is co-founder of DeepakChopra.ai, his AI twin and well-being advisor. He also co-founded Cyberhuman, a transformative suite of personalized health and well-being solutions. Chopra is a Clinical Professor of Family Medicine and Public Health at the University of California, San Diego, and serves as a senior scientist with Gallup Organization. He is also an Honorary Fellow in Medicine at the Royal College of Physicians and Surgeons of Glasgow. He is the author of over 95 books, translated into over forty-three languages, including numerous New York Times bestsellers.

For the last thirty years, Chopra has been at the forefront of the meditation revolution. His mission is to create a more balanced, peaceful, joyful, and healthier world. Through his teachings, he guides individuals to embrace their inherent strength, wisdom, and potential for personal and societal transformation.

In his latest book, *Digital Dharma* (Harmony/Rodale, 09/17/24), Chopra navigates the balance between technology and expanded awareness, explaining that while AI cannot duplicate human intelligence, it can vastly enhance personal and spiritual growth. TIME magazine has described Dr. Chopra as “one of their top 100 most influential people.” www.deepakchopra.com.