How can we free ourselves from toxic relationships?.
When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.
Question:
“I am stuck and have been stuck doing the same thing over and over forever it seems!
Can’t seem to account for time in my life.
I came to this country as an immigrant 20 years ago.
My father died shortly after I came here and it seems I have taken over for him in terms of taking care of my family emotionally and financially.
My life has been a never ending cycle of studying, getting one degree after another in the hope of making more money to secure a better future for me and my family.
I am tired!!
The whole family never stops taking and my mother never stops meddling in my life and criticizing me.
It seems she’s never happy no matter what I do…. I CAN’T make her happy.
I am 35 now and can’t account for time.
What have I done with my life?
Most importantly, what do I want to do with my life?
I really don’t know.
My mother wants me to get married and have kids soon.
She’s pointing it out to me every day and even desperately trying to set me up with whomever she deems is good for me and willing to marry me….in spite of how I feel.
This makes me feel cheated.
I have spent my life trying to care for her and her children and now she wants to throw me to the wolves so that society can look upon her favorably.
It makes me sick and so angry, sometimes I feel that I sabotage things for myself just to get back at her.
Yet I know all of this isn’t healthy for me, but don’t know how to break away and start anew.
How do I move on and do what is right and best for me?
I want to take responsibility for my actions, but they’re always there, the whole family dragging me back to the old way, it’s extremely frustrating.
My relationship with all of them is based on guilt and fear that they might not have enough and that no one will care for them if I’m not around.
I know that that isn’t true, but I would feel really guilty if I were to distance myself and be more selfish…. It’s crazy!!”
Response:
To start, I suggest trying a different perspective on your family responsibilities.
Instead of seeing them as dragging you down, see if you can notice ways in which your life is enriched or made more meaningful by having family close who love and look to you for support.
If you had no family or people who relied on you, do you believe you would have a clearer life purpose or greater success?
You have built up such a mountain of resentment toward your family, that you have come to believe they are the source of your troubles.
Do you know anyone at work who has no siblings, or parents?
Are they happy about that?
Is their life easy because of that?
Everyone has their unique package of emotional issues, family burdens, health, financial, and relationship challenges.
Happiness does not come from running away from those problems or trying to eliminate them.
Fulfillment comes from finding the evolutionary value in these circumstances and living through them with grace.
You don’t have to make your mother happy.
You are not expected to.
If you don’t want to get married, then don’t.
No one can force you to.
If you want your mother to stop trying to set you up, then tell her to stop and that if you ever want her to help you will let her know.
If you do want to explore the option of marriage on your own, then tell her that.
If you’re not sure what you want to do, but don’t want to feel pressured, then tell her that.
My guess is that your mother is encouraging you to marry because she hopes it will make you happier, not because she wants to look good.
If that was the situation, she would have been on your case to marry for the last 10 years.
Decide what you want to do and then talk with your family about how they can all help make that happen.
If your father died about 20 years ago, then all the children are adults and can live on their own if need be.
Stop imagining that you are the only thing standing between your family and starvation and ruin.
Young adults becoming independent is normal and healthy.
It happens millions of times a day around the world.
If they are cognitively and physically developed, then you’re not doing them any favors by making them feel dependent on you, and heaven knows it’s not helping you.
So stop feeling victimized by your family, and find gratitude for the implied caring they have for you.
Figure out what direction you would like to take in life now, and then enlist their cooperation toward that knowing that they will all find their way in life as well.
Love,
Deepak
