Different Levels of Awareness.
When your mind and heart are truly open abundance will flow to you effortlessly and easily.
Question:
Hello, thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my question. I read your books and do your meditation, I enjoy them. My fiancé and I are on different levels of awareness and I find that I have a lot of uncomfortable moments of not knowing what to say or do in response to his negative comments and constant complaining. I used to always give suggestions on how he could look at the positives in life and during his difficult times but he says I don’t understand and argues my practices. My constant suggestions and talk of positivity during his low moments seem to push him away. Often I say nothing and just listen but I feel because I say nothing it may seem like I don’t care. And the few times I entertain him with agreement and discussions on his matters it drains me. I love him dearly and am patient with him during his journey to awareness but how do we function together when we are on different levels? I see the love in him and it’s like two people who are battling inside of him. Please help.
Response:
You’ve described one of the most common challenge of those who are on the spiritual path—how to help those we love be more positive. The short answer is that we can’t change them. And as you point out, suggesting he look at things differently makes him feel misunderstood, and silently indulging his comments makes you feel uninvolved and untrue to yourself. The issue is that you have a vision of becoming a better person by overcoming the limitations of your past conditioning, your negative thoughts, with positive thoughts and a more compassionate approach. This view works pretty well for some people on many issues, but it is not a full picture of spiritual growth and awakening.
Complaints and negative comments aren’t really the enemy and they aren’t a threat to your level of awareness. Complaining is habit people can fall into to express their discomfort and pain that they feel powerless to change. Initially, they usually are not asking for suggestions on how to fix their situation, they want assurance you know they are in pain and understand their distress. Once they truly feel your compassion without judgment, they are more open to exploring practical solutions.
But when we have this idea in our mind that we need to stay positive and optimistic, we develop a subtle defensiveness around behavior or talk we deem negative. We feel we need to protect ourselves from it so it doesn’t bring us down or spoil our peace of mind. If we hold that defensiveness to negativity while we patiently listen to our loved ones complain, they won’t feel heard or understood, they feel that subtle rejection as if their hurt feelings are wrong and toxic. That of course makes them feel worse, and seemingly more negative to you, and that in turn makes you more defensive.
The way out is to find that core place of self inside that is whole and safe and complete as it is. It isn’t positive or negative and it doesn’t need to be protected or defended to always feel safe and content. When you can listen to your partner from this open, loving, non-judgmental awareness, he will feel understood and accepted, and you will also start to open up to and connect with the hidden painful parts of your psyche that felt judged and excluded from your vision of spirituality. This practice of deep listening is transformative in your relationships, but even more so for your inner healing and growth.
Love,
Deepak
