Being Judgmental.

Response:

It doesn’t sound like you need counseling to deal with this. A little self-reflection and conscious awareness should help. Begin by recognizing that when you judge others, your unspoken motivation is to make yourself feel better. If you judge other people as “wrong,” then that make you “right.”  And being right is supposed to feel good. That is the hope anyway. But as you have written, you actually don’t feel good. You have a heavy heart and feel this judging of others is getting to be a problem. So that is your first step— whenever you notice you are judging someone, realize that your ego is not going to really get what it wants out of this behavior. In fact, afterward, you will feel worse physically and emotionally.

Next realize that these people you judge are not fundamentally different than you. If you had their background and history, who is to say you wouldn’t behave the same way? This is the second step: cultivating compassion by realizing everyone is doing the best they can with the knowledge and ability they have. Notice that feeling compassion does feel better in your heart and in your body. Make a conscious choice to cultivate compassion because it will make you feel better.

Finally, find something honorable and praiseworthy in the other person you were judging or disagreeing with. It can be something small. Perhaps it is how hard they work at their job, or what a good mother they are, or how forthright they are with their feelings. When you find something you admire in them, in spite of other differences you may have with them, you are connecting with them spiritually and breaking down ego barriers. As you develop this habit, you will feel your heart lighten and your body become more relaxed.

Love,

Deepak