Question:
I have a small and maybe silly question but nevertheless it’s a nagging thought that’s always on my mind.
I am expecting my first baby who is due to arrive in a couple of months. My mother in law who is staying with us is good to me except occasional differences which I think happens in almost every relationship. Sometimes however, she becomes too interfering and always tells me what to do and how things should be done. Also, very rarely can I go out for maybe a quiet dinner with my husband alone. But I have accepted that too and don’t take it too seriously always as I know that she is elder to me and it’s probably more difficult for her to adapt and change at her age than it is for me. I try to think positively about her always and think of her good qualities rather than what’s not so good coz everyone (including me) has good and bad qualities.
However, nowadays I feel very sad and somewhat irritated at times when she continuously hammers into my head how much she is waiting for the baby to arrive so that she will leave everything else and just be glued to the baby all day. I accept and know that she has every right on my baby and she is after all going to be a grandmother so its natural for her to be happy and excited however, her behaviour portrays as if I have no right over my baby and will have to follow whatever she decides is good for the baby. Even for small things like buying things for the baby, I have to always consult her and follow all her advice which I don’t always accept. She is also extremely superstitious and I follow her superstitions only to keep harmony in the relationship even though I don’t believe in the superstitions. I have also tried explaining to her that these are only superstitions but in vain so I have now stopped trying to change this aspect in her and just accept what she says superficially.
I realize that my baby will be very fortunate to have a grandmother who will look after and care for him/her however, I too have dreams and wishes towards my baby and would like to bring up my child as per my wishes too. I sometimes feel guilty for thinking like this because she is maybe only trying to help and her feelings are natural too. Maybe I am just thinking too much about the future and should just take one day at a time.
She’s always looking at negative aspects and how the children of today are spoilt and keeps hammering into my head how to bring up my child so that he/she doesn’t go the wrong way when in fact her sons are all SPOILT BRATS! this includes my husband who was a spoilt brat but has now changed a lot and realizes whatever he did wrong earlier.
Request your advise Deepak on this matter. I know it’s a very small thing but I’d like to know if I am wrong in my thinking & how can I change this situation for the best.
Answer:
It sounds as if your idea of keeping harmony with your mother-in-law is just to remain silent and not tell her what you want and how you feel. It is important to make yourself heard now, or it will only become more difficult in the future. The other major factor here is that your husband should be involved here in setting clear boundaries about his mother’s excessive interference. This shouldn’t just be put on your shoulders to tell her that her overarching involvement is unhealthy and unwelcome.
Begin by getting clear in your mind what kind of help and involvement from her you would like. Imagine how that would look to you. Talk with you husband about how he envisions her involvement with your family that would be harmonious with you. Come to a mutual understanding on this and then sit down and talk with her. Convey to her all the ways in which you two are looking forward to involving her with the baby and talk to her about how much her love and support means to you. Find areas of concern that you can agree with her about the baby as well.
Then in a kind voice tell her that you will be looking forward to her helping with the baby, but that it is not going to require that she be there all the time. Say that you and your husband are committed to raising the baby based on your dreams and values, and that will sometimes be different from hers. It doesn’t mean you don’t love her or respect her views, but that this is important for you and your husband to take this responsibility as parents, just as all good parents must do. Make sure you make it clear to her how you two see her helping and being involved, but at the same time let her know that this is your decision, not hers. She has already played the role of a mother in raising her children, and the role of a grandmother is not the same thing.
If you remain passive while she pushes herself into your role, she will assume it is okay and keep pushing in deeper. It won’t get better on it’s own. Take action now and hopefully you can set up boundaries so the relationship can be healthy and happy for all involved.
Love,
Deepak
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Forgive me Dr. Chopra. I only read the title of the question and will read your writing on it later. However, the only way to have a mother in-law back off is to have her be madly in love the Father in-law. And of course the Father in-law( or the boy friend or lover or whoever) must be madly in love with the mother in-law too!!!! When one feels glorious magnificant love in their heart, she/he needs not to be backed off by any one. Ciao!
I think to have a good answer for this important question you need a big team of experts and therapists to think and solve this problem. It is really a complecated situation. And I wish I HAVE THE MAGIC ANSWER:):)
When there are many magics in your already magical world, there is only one answer.,..
sometimes I think, could all these magics be real? How are u my dear?
Hi.
I understand you so much. My mother in law is very much like yours, though I’m not yet pregnant. I like the way you write about the issue, since it is pretty much how I feel about it. I like my mother in-law and understand what she is going through, but I would love her to understand my point of view as well.
I also believe Deepak’s answer to be quite a good one, because it implies setting limits in a loving way. Easier to be said than done, especially for someone like me, who also prefers to remain in order to avoid problems. I believe, though, we need to stand up for ourselves and what we want.
I realize you wrote about this several months ago… I would love to know if you were able to get the message through to your mother-in-law. Best regards.
remain silent in order to avoid problems… sorry, I missed the word.